Being a Conservative is not all about going to serious meetings and delivering lots of leaflets. Conservatives like to enjoy life and have a laugh too! This is what this page is all about; we hope you enjoy the amusements we have collected.

Fran Orford is the cartoonist featured in the Local Government magazine 'First'. Click here to read his amusing insights into local government.

Or try Voxpolitics.com.

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Something from the other side of the Pond.....

1) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.

2) They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.                                

3) The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

4) Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

5) Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the "Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.

6) This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

7) Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

8) Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

9) Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

10) Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

11) Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

12) Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with their production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

13) Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply giggling and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers."

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www.gbjab.com
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www.pauljames.org.uk/news_detail.php?nid=13
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To provide a little light relief this April Fools Day, we thought you’d appreciate a reminder of some of John Prescott’s greatest gaffes. Remember, this is the man chosen by Mr Blair to be his Deputy Prime Minister and have responsibility for policy on housing, planning, regional and local government and the fire service.

1992, John Prescott promises: ‘The Tories have always professionally delivered far better than us and I want to change that’ (LWT, Walden, 24th May 1992).

1997, John Prescott promises: ‘I will have failed if in five years time there are not...far fewer journeys by car. It’s a tall order but I urge you to hold me to it’ (Guardian, 6 May 1997). Between 1997 and 2003, cars and taxis use rose by seven per cent.

1999, John Prescott says: ‘I obviously want to go out with people saying that I was a good administrator. I’d like to be able to say at the end of the day I delivered’ (Guardian, December 6 1999). John Prescott’s time as Secretary of State for the Environment, Transport and the Regions was condemned by a Labour-dominated Select Committee of the House of Commons in 1999: ‘The Department’s achievements... have largely been confined to the publication of documents and policy statements and the establishment of task forces… There have been few tangible improvements’.

1999, John Prescott uses his car to ferry him 250 yards from his hotel to the conference centre at the Labour Party Conference. He says the reason for using the car is to avoid messing his wife’s hair up.

2000, John Prescott says the Dome is ‘the first big test of competence’ for the Labour Government (The Times, 5 January 2000), having already promised: ‘If we can’t make this work, we’re not much of a Government’ (Daily Telegraph, 17 November 1999). By December 2004, the Millenium Dome had cost £789 million.

2001, John Prescott punches a protestor during the General Election campaign. This is despite promising in 1994: ‘I don’t pursue vendattas or punch people on the nose. Yes, I am a passionate guy in politics, but it never affects the judgment of what has to be done’ (Guardian, 25 June 1994).

2002, John Prescott says: ‘In some regions – the North East for instance – many people believe that only an elected regional assembly will allow the region to truly take control of its destiny’ (Regions White Paper, May 2002). In 2004, people in the North East reject a regional assembly by 78 per cent to 22 per cent.

2003, John Prescott gives journalists a two finger gesture as enters Downing Street to discuss the euro assessment.

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This is a genuine article printed in The Star, Johannesburg:
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the 'Swazimar': "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.
"The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

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If you like political satire, try this web site.

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Doh!

When Norman Baker MP, the Liberal Democrats? Environment Spokesman heard that British taxpayers were to foot the ?300 million bill to clean up the Springfields nuclear processing plant, he tabled two parliamentary questions, demanding the Trade and Industry Secretary, Patricia Hewitt MP, to explain why British Nuclear Fuels was to spend so much money on an American plant.

"When will we get a grip on the situation?" he demanded, "How many schools and hospitals could that have bought?" (Hansard, 26th February 2004, Column 396).

It was allegedly left to Hewitt?s junior minister to inform the MP for Lewes that Springfields is located near Preston in Lancashire. The only Springfield nuclear power plant in America is Homer Simpson?s workplace in ?The Simpsons?.

(Sunday Telegraph, 7th March 2004)
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Genuine complaints - Extracts from letters written to local Councils

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

(We received quite a few more of these but they were just a bit too rude to publish here!)___________________________________________

Here is JP digging up the South East of England.

Tyranical Sortov Wrex
(washed up on most councils)
or better known as Labourius-Minuscule of the kaysmallas variety This not unknown species has the genetic traits of sheep and Ostrich. It bleats in incoherent cacophony until a barking dog leads it in some direction, usually to the extreme left unless it has its head buried in the sands of social dogma (that?s the dogma that keeps steering it to the extreme left).

Well known for putting its foot in it, thick skinned and running around in anti-clockwise circles and then going in for a spin with a big tail (it should be tale).


Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbour.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbour.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So
what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You
feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The
people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to
your neighbour. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country
who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
 and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours
the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow
drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass
the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership
with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American
corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They
open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is
kinda cute.